How to be an MMA fighter like Patrick N

June 30th, 2009 at 12:55am

With the supernova of MMA fighting dominating that fading star known as boxing, everyone wants to be an MMA fighter. Why? MMA fighters are the new assholes that look to fight people, or pretend to fight people. Before, dipshits pretended to be black belts in karate, walking down the street pretending they’re the next Cobra Kai. Then the UFC made Brazilian jiu-jitsu the thug thing to do. Besides the fact that it was moronic to grab another man between your legs (and calling it a “guard” does not make it any less gay because when you’re on top, the same position is called “mount”) and try to armbar someone in a real fight, bjj was a really stupid thing to do in a real fight, period. 1) In a fight, you usually have more than one guy fighting. I can’t remember how many times I’ve looked at some fight video on YouTube and the people in the video are doing bjj and then after one guy is getting choked, friends jump in and everyone’s brawling instead of grappling. 2) When someone getting armbared got slammed on his head on the concrete, that pretty much stopped bjj as the bully martial art. Now it’s all about being an MMA fighter. When you walk down the street strutting MMA swagger, people part the seas for you. Now, not only can you “mount” a guy if you need to, or you can kick a guy in the thigh until his leg gets sore and he falls down or you can fake a leg kick into a “superman punch.” Seriously. And if you want to be an MMA fighter like Patrick N, you just need to follow two steps:

1) WEAR AFFLICTION (or the lesser TAPOUT) GEAR

Tapout gear is the lower class of the two, so if you’re hard up on cash, go get Tapout gear. But if you really want to look like a bad ass MMA fighter like Patrick N, you need to save up all your pennies and buy Affliction gear. When you watch the UFC or Dream (previously known as Pride until Pride sold to UFC to make money and still have the same league, just renamed), you always see the fighters having a ton of tattoos. Now, if you’re a pussy, you’re not going to get tats to look like an MMA fighter. You have a real job and you definitely can’t bust a big ass tat on your chest or back of a skull. Instead, you can buy a shirt that looks like it has a million tattoos on it and you look just as cool.

2) TELL EVERYONE YOU WEAR SHORTS AND WRESTLE MEN

There is nothing more bad ass than wearing shorts. This means you are ready for battle. Back in the day, the bullies would wear karate uniforms and go into bars to throw down. Now, you just wear shorts. With your Affliction (or poor ass Tapout) shirt, and shorts, it tells everyone in the room you are ready to throw blows in the cage at any time.

Say you are at a wedding. Make sure you wear your shorts because you never know when a relative wants to step up.

Finally, make sure you tell everyone one that will listen to you that you regularly wrestle men. Besides the awesome side effects of wrestling like ringworm or cauliflower ear, wrestling shows you’re not afraid of hugging a man to throw him on all fours, grab his waist from behind, and make him turtle.

So go wear your Affliction gear and wear shorts and tell everyone you wrestle men and you can run up to Dana White to show you’re ready to drop nuts on a guy in a cage.

Red Dwarf is Back!

April 11th, 2009 at 12:14am

Those of you that know me know I love the Red Dwarf series. A new series had not been made in 9 years, but now it is back! The finale of the series is finally here after failed attempts at a movie or a return to BBC. Look for it…somewhere. :)

Geijitsu.com

February 16th, 2009 at 1:20am

Want to know what I’ve been doing lately? Check out geijitsu.com.

New Video Series Update

January 18th, 2009 at 3:08am

I’m currently working on a new video series. As most of you that follow my videos know, I wait until I produce all six videos before I start releasing the videos. It’s an idea that might not work, but it’s taking all my video making time. No video or radio updates for awhile.

I’m also looking to restart my text version of “How to be a Man like Patrick N.” Updates are coming.

pnfm 12/04/08

December 4th, 2008 at 9:24pm

1) Plaxico Burress shoots himself HAHAHAHAHHA
2) Racist chants on Mido
3) Suspended NFL players


pnfm 11/24/08

November 25th, 2008 at 1:07am

McNabb benched
Real Madrid win bonus
William Gallas stripped of captaincy


pnfm 111708

November 16th, 2008 at 10:21pm

Capello’s secret for England team success
Jim Fassell wants Raider job
Oli P explains why Americans hate BCS

pnfm 11/11/08

November 11th, 2008 at 2:27pm

Answer to Qondaese’s nery castillo question
Meet Buck Burnett
NFL Unions and EA Sports tried to own retired players and lost
Jens Lehmann wants to retire as protest to terrible refs


pnfm 110308

November 4th, 2008 at 1:09am

a great bcs title game set up and how to keep it
beckham is not selfish
daunte is like michael jackson
fergie needs viagra


pnfm 100808

October 8th, 2008 at 8:38pm

UEFA considering banning teams in heavy debt from European competitions and think the MLS model is a good model for running soccer


pnfm 100308

October 6th, 2008 at 10:01am

Al Davis Sucks


pnfm 092208

September 22nd, 2008 at 10:41pm

end of chelsea/man u
better buy: robinho vs. wright-philips
Wenger has a problem with Abu Dhabi Man City purchase
mourinho is hilarious


Some Dish Network Gems

September 15th, 2008 at 12:23am

Some of you know I been pissed at Dish Network for dropping GolTV. Since then, I been sending them an email everyday. Here are some gems:

I took a crap today and named it Dish Network because it took away my GolTV 3 days after I signed up.

Next time you try to rape me by taking away GolTV 3 days after I sign up, you’ll try to pull my pants down and you’ll get a 6 foot boner uppercut.

Today I found a curly, short hair of indeterminate origin in my tuna salad sandwich and I consumed it anyway having become accustomed to consuming repugnant things like after Dish Network took my GolTv away 3 days after I signed a contract with them. Thank you for teaching me to accept hairy food.

And here’s my favorite. This is in response to them telling me Dish had greater value than DirecTV:

Are you serious? The best value is me driving to my friend’s house to watch the only channel I care about as I told your retailer rather than staying home to watch like I had when I was using DirecTV?

What other values are you going to get me? A free service to kill my dog? With a chance to upgrade my Dish package by making me drive to the bar to watch channels I had before? Thank you so much for giving me the value of wasting my gas to drive to my friend’s to watch channels I had when I was on DirecTV. I’ll be sure to consider the rape my daughter package when I get a chance.

pnfm 091408

September 14th, 2008 at 11:55pm

liverpool, man u, chelsea, robinho, newcastle united/mike ashley situation


PNFM 08/31/2008

August 31st, 2008 at 9:10pm

Dish Network Sucks No GolTV


PNFM 08/26/2008

August 26th, 2008 at 6:35pm

-Argentina Gold, Tevez
-EPL -Robinho, Nery Castillo
-Juventus
-Strahan in?
-Dolphins pick Chad Pennington as starting QB


PNFM 08/22/2008

August 22nd, 2008 at 8:10pm

Radio show I’ve always wanted to do. This show is work safe i.e. I don’t cuss.

Topics:

1) Bruce Arena takes over for Galaxy
2) Women win gold, Kai takes off shirt
3) Men’s soccer for gold tonight
4) EPL table
5) Farve/Jets, Aaron Rodgers/Green Bay
6) Gene Upshaw dies


Craplacticos: Rivalry 6

August 4th, 2008 at 7:25pm

Episode 6: Season Finale

Rich vs. Poor


Craplacticos: Rivalry 5

July 28th, 2008 at 5:19pm

Episode 5 (one more to go!)

Religious vs. Political


Craplacticos: Rivalry 4

July 21st, 2008 at 6:13pm

Episode 4

Countries: USA vs. Mexico