How to be an MMA fighter like Patrick N
June 30th, 2009 at 12:55amWith the supernova of MMA fighting dominating that fading star known as boxing, everyone wants to be an MMA fighter. Why? MMA fighters are the new assholes that look to fight people, or pretend to fight people. Before, dipshits pretended to be black belts in karate, walking down the street pretending they’re the next Cobra Kai. Then the UFC made Brazilian jiu-jitsu the thug thing to do. Besides the fact that it was moronic to grab another man between your legs (and calling it a “guard” does not make it any less gay because when you’re on top, the same position is called “mount”) and try to armbar someone in a real fight, bjj was a really stupid thing to do in a real fight, period. 1) In a fight, you usually have more than one guy fighting. I can’t remember how many times I’ve looked at some fight video on YouTube and the people in the video are doing bjj and then after one guy is getting choked, friends jump in and everyone’s brawling instead of grappling. 2) When someone getting armbared got slammed on his head on the concrete, that pretty much stopped bjj as the bully martial art. Now it’s all about being an MMA fighter. When you walk down the street strutting MMA swagger, people part the seas for you. Now, not only can you “mount” a guy if you need to, or you can kick a guy in the thigh until his leg gets sore and he falls down or you can fake a leg kick into a “superman punch.” Seriously. And if you want to be an MMA fighter like Patrick N, you just need to follow two steps:
1) WEAR AFFLICTION (or the lesser TAPOUT) GEAR
Tapout gear is the lower class of the two, so if you’re hard up on cash, go get Tapout gear. But if you really want to look like a bad ass MMA fighter like Patrick N, you need to save up all your pennies and buy Affliction gear. When you watch the UFC or Dream (previously known as Pride until Pride sold to UFC to make money and still have the same league, just renamed), you always see the fighters having a ton of tattoos. Now, if you’re a pussy, you’re not going to get tats to look like an MMA fighter. You have a real job and you definitely can’t bust a big ass tat on your chest or back of a skull. Instead, you can buy a shirt that looks like it has a million tattoos on it and you look just as cool.
2) TELL EVERYONE YOU WEAR SHORTS AND WRESTLE MEN
There is nothing more bad ass than wearing shorts. This means you are ready for battle. Back in the day, the bullies would wear karate uniforms and go into bars to throw down. Now, you just wear shorts. With your Affliction (or poor ass Tapout) shirt, and shorts, it tells everyone in the room you are ready to throw blows in the cage at any time.
Say you are at a wedding. Make sure you wear your shorts because you never know when a relative wants to step up.
Finally, make sure you tell everyone one that will listen to you that you regularly wrestle men. Besides the awesome side effects of wrestling like ringworm or cauliflower ear, wrestling shows you’re not afraid of hugging a man to throw him on all fours, grab his waist from behind, and make him turtle.
So go wear your Affliction gear and wear shorts and tell everyone you wrestle men and you can run up to Dana White to show you’re ready to drop nuts on a guy in a cage.
