Patrick N likes movies. But sometimes, people like you don’t know how to enjoy them properly. Don’t worry, I’ve had lots of practice. I’ll break it down easily for you, pussy.

Read the spoilers on Wikipedia

Have you ever sat and watched a movie for three hours and wasted your time because you didn’t know that nothing happens at the end of the movie? Yeah, that was called Lord of the Rings 1, 2, and 3. Don’t go into a movie not knowing what’s going to happen. Some loser who goes to a midnight showing will write the spoilers for you. Just wait until the next morning like a normal person and read the spoilers. Now you’ll know if the movie sucks or not. You may ruin surprise endings, but really, when was the last time a surprise ending was satisfying? Fuck M. Night.

Tell good parts before they happen

Usually you’ll go with a friend. That works because you can let him know when to expect a good part because you already know. Your friend and the rest of the audience may act like that’s annoying, but they’re just trying to be cool. Make sure to say something like, “Oh watch this part,” or, “Oh this part is funny.” You can also throw him off by pretending to wince, making your friend wince, and then he misses a good part. That’s what the fucker gets for being a biter.

Say to wait for end of credits

There are many people that aren’t given credit for a movie except the ending credits. But pompous assholes like your friend will walk out as the credits roll. Do these unsung heroes justice by telling your friend loudly, oh there’s this cool part at the end of the credits, watch. By the end of the movie, you’ll have built so much credibility by revealing

Are you following me on Twitter yet? You should be.

My Bro: I don’t know why Christians have problems with abortions.
Patrick N: Maybe because you’re killing someone.
My Bro: Don’t Christians believe God killed his only son?
Patrick N: Oh. Shit.
My Bro: Christmas = Abortion
Patrick N: Merry Abortion Day.

“Freedom of speech is a motherfuckin’ bullshit
You say the wrong thing, they lock your ass up quick.” - Ice-T

When people call to complain about racist shit, make sure it’s actually, you know, offensive. During a Clipper game, longtime announcer Ralph Lawler and color analyst Mike Smith started talking about some Iranian player no one cares about. Now, if you watch the Clippers, they are some boring shit. And after watching the shitty Clippers for 31 years, Lawler has to think up some shit to say to be entertaining. This is what got them suspended from broadcasting for one game:

Smith: “Look who’s in.”
Lawler: “Hamed Haddadi. Where’s he from?”
Smith: “He’s the first Iranian to play in the NBA.” (Smith pronounced Iranian as “Eye-ranian,” a pronunciation that offended the viewer who complained.)
Lawler: “There aren’t any Iranian players in the NBA,” repeating Smith’s mispronunciation.
Smith: “He’s the only one.”
Lawler: “He’s from Iran?”
Smith: “I guess so.”
Lawler: “That Iran?”
Smith: “Yes.”
Lawler: “The real Iran?”
Smith: “Yes.”
Lawler: “Wow. Haddadi that’s H-A-D-D-A-D-I.”
Smith: “You’re sure it’s not Borat’s older brother?”
Smith: “If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I’m going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part.”
Lawler: “Here’s Haddadi. Nice little back-door pass. I guess those Iranians can pass the ball.”
Smith: “Especially the post players.
Lawler: “I don’t know about their guards.”

So here are the things the possibly offended the EYE-ranian viewers that called in:

1) Pronounced Iran as EYE-ran.

Who hasn’t mispronounced something before?

2) Claimed there was a fake and real Iran.

Take a fucking joke.

3) Spelled out his name.

The name was strange to them. Big deal.

4) Said the player’s brother was Borat.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAH

5) Said a “THOSE PEOPLE” type comment.

THOSE PEOPLE did nothing wrong but try to entertain an audience that has watched a shitty team for 100 years. Why are Iranians watching the Clippers anyway? Why are any audience watching the Clippers? By getting the two announcers banned, you just made your whole race look bad because now people think all Iranians watch the Clippers.