The Boss Whisperer
Here is how to say “no” to your boss like Patrick N.
Some people think that you need some lines to passive-aggressively tell your boss “no.” The fact is, if you need to say no, you say it. There isn’t some magical line. The secret to being able to pull this off is to train your boss so that he is able to accept the answer “no” without a hitch.
Here are the three things you need to train your boss so you can say no:
1. Exercise:
You need to walk your boss an hour a day properly.
Walking your boss is a primal activity where you need to assert your calm-assertive attitude and facilitate your boss’ calm-submissive behavior. Bosses don’t just want to walk to pee or poo or get coffee. Bosses don’t just want to be in the business lobby to run around in the yard. This is torture for the boss. Because of the blood thirsty, lazy ass, nagging behavior of your boss, they will naturally hunt for weak, defenseless pray like homeless people 12 to maybe 14 hours a day. Bosses need to walk in their natural habitat such as slums near the business, poor coffee shop vendors, or restaurants with Mexican waiters. Birds need to fly, fish need to swim, and bosses need to abuse those less fortunate than them so they can feel better about themselves.
Walking your boss the most important tip I can give you in order to set up your boss to say no to him later. In order to walk him properly, you must do these exercising activities:
Master the Walk
Some people ask me, “Patrick N, I paid you a million dollars and all you tell me to do is walk my boss?” Fuck yeah, dipshit. You bond with your boss when you walk with him. He’ll get real tired because his fatass isn’t used to walking so much away from his work. He’ll open up to you when you get his ass drunk and you can blackmail him on stupid shit. He’ll have a harder time getting mad at you when you become his friend.
When you walk him, take him to a slum and let him make fun of homeless people. You will be amazed at the things your boss will do in this freedom. He’ll shit on the homeless man. He’ll hit the homeless man. And on some occasion, he’ll offer the homeless man a job and then fire him right away. Let your boss act naturally around you. The more natural, the better. He’ll treat coffee shop workers and Mexican waiters the same way as he would a homeless person.
Also, if you walk him to a place where he gets drunk, you can take owned pictures of him with borderline gay shit as blackmail to pull out in those special times.
After the boss acts, give the boss positive reinforcement saying that he did a good job.
The Leash
I suggest a short leash. I’m talking a shorter leash than his wife probably gives him. If his wife asks where he is at night, you need to call his ass at 4 am to ask about closing a deal. If his wife is hot, you bring hotter chicks to the workplace and let them talk to him. Always one-up the wife or girlfriend to show that you are the dominant one. You are the alpha male and the rewards that occur around you are much better than that loose, flappy taco she offers. Also, walk in with calm-assertive energy whenever you’re around him. If your boss is freaking out, control the situation by tugging on the leash telling him to sit down, calm the fuck up, you are in control. Then deal with the problem by telling another co-worker that the boss told her to do something. When she doesn’t do it, blame it on her and your boss will have someone to yell at.
Treadmills
If you are unable to walk your boss because you are lazy (which is very possible if you really want to set up your boss to be able to say no anytime you want), you can always join a health club with him. Make him go on the treadmill and bad mouth other employers that threaten your alpha male status. Spread rumors such as he’s fucking your boss’ wife or that your rival contracted herpes from a Cambodian whore. The treadmill will work off the energy and have him become more open to your badmouthing of others. The funny thing is that all the energy your boss uses up will leave him more emotionally open for blackmail opportunities. There is a reason Mark Cuban does interviews on treadmills.
2. Discipline
When you think of discipline, maybe people think the word has a bad connotation. But remember that like you need discipline from having an affair with your boss’ wife or girlfriend, doing the secretary, or taking a piss in the boss’ coffee cup, your boss also needs to understand his boundaries when interacting with you. For example, remember in the movie Fight Club when Tyler when crazy on his boss? The boss knew that he probably shouldn’t fuck with Tyler. In Office Space, Peter played Tetris. When Lumbergh came by to say what the fuck, Peter just said, “Not right now Lumbergh, come back later. In fact, I’ll tell you when I need you.” Discipline your boss into how and when to interact with you.
Corrections
Whenever you need to correct your boss, you can use the subtle way or the overt way depending on the personality type and sex. If you have an asshole mega alpha male wannabe, you need to redirect his errors by leaving blame to others. For example, your boss comes and yells at you for doing nothing. This is unacceptable behavior. Plant evidence for your wrong doing on the boss above him. He will quickly question his initial anger for fear of pissing off his own boss and will give you time to come up with an excuse that you will do the job anyway even though your boss’ boss told you not to because you respect your boss more. This will also work for an asshole mega alpha female because female bitches are pretty much men.
For pansy bosses, you make fun of them in their face in a passive aggressive way. If a pansy boss tells you that you did something wrong, tell him his tie looks funny, then say, “Just kidding, boss” and walk away. The next time, tell him his pants look kind of high. Eventually, he will psychologically associate verbal displeasure with you with his physical appearance. The next time pansy boss doesn’t like that you’re playing minesweeper, he’ll also think that he looks like a nerd bringing all these negative memories and eventually overlook his displeasure of you. Thus, you have corrected his behavior.
3. Affection
This is another way of saying “kissing ass.” People say that you can kiss ass too much. Many of these people are also told “no” very often. What these people probably are alluding to is the fact on how to kiss ass. There are different ways to kiss ass. You cannot kiss ass in a way where you seem like your boss’ bitch. This gives the wrong impression that you are a pushover. When you kiss ass, you want to give the impression that you are kissing ass because you can, not because you have to. For example, don’t just give a random gift to your boss. If your boss gives you a day off when he didn’t have to, however, then reward him with a pat on the head.
Also, there is a specific time to kiss ass. Do not kiss ass when your boss is fearful, anxious, possessive, dominant, aggressive, whining, begging, barking, or breaking any rule you have for him. Gifts in these mental states will give your boss the wrong impression that being in any of these ways is alright.
After the set up, your boss will take “no” for an answer
Remember what I said: saying “no” to your boss is 99% set up. Once you have established the rules of engagement between you and your boss, you boss will be scared to even ask you to stop playing solitaire. Take the following example of saying no to your boss after establishing the rules of engagement:
Boss: Can you work the weekend for me?
You: No. (Then show him your blackmail picture.)
Boss: …okay.
And that’s it! He knows not to fuck with you. He’s been trained to not give you shit for saying no. Congratulations on learning how to tell your boss no like Patrick N.