Hair on Balls
How to grow up with hair on your balls like Patrick N
Were you raised by pussies? I was once at this party where some 5 year old kid was an asshole to the host kid destroying all the host kid’s toys and snapping all his video games in half. Did the host kid stand up for himself? Nope. He took it like a bitch and cried in the corner quietly. Then an 8 year old girl kicked him in the ribs and he cried. I also punched the kid, but I don’t think that had anything to do with him crying.
The saddest part was when a lesbian couple at the party told the parents they raised their kid to be a pussy.
Parents don’t know how to raise their kids anymore. If you are reading this, you must be a pussy yourself because you’re looking to some guy online for advice about how to be a man. Your parents have failed. You are stuck in a dead end job and your boss takes a shit on you every day. Your “girlfriend” (who really isn’t your girlfriend because she’s cheating on you) tells you you’re a loser and you just take it. Do you want your boy (or girl) to grow up to be the pussy you are? Let me tell you how to raise your kid. Or if you are a teen or kid, this is a good guide for you as well because your parents don’t know shit. You’re probably downloading video games for MAME instead of downloading (free) porn like a real man. Let me tell you how I was raised and use it as a model for raising your kids or yourself.
The Beginning
I was born from Vietnamese parents while they were on a raft made of sharks, and they were fighting off AK47-wielding Vietcong with only a spear. They lost. But when I was born, they handed me off to the manliest man in the whole world: Crocodile Buttfucker Steve Irwin.
As a baby, Irwin used a crocodile’s mouth as my cradle.
Bedtime was always the worst time for me.
As I grew older, while normal kids used bikes to ride to school, I had to beat up other kids and steal their bike. These kids got sick of it and got their dad to come kick my ass. Steve Irwin was like, “Crikey!” and promptly grabbed a croc’s tail and swung the croc on top of the bitches. I learned from my adopted dad that you solve problems by laughing at your opponents as you slap them.
The Teen Years
Teens think being emo is cool. I tried that shit and Daddy Steve Irwin said I better take off the faggy make up before he puts me in a plane with snakes. He had good reasons why men don’t wear make up and I will never forget it.
Steve Irwin: Take that shit off your face and be a man.
Patrick N: But I’m emo and a teen. I am trying to discover myself and who are you to tell me how I should be raised?
Steve Irwin: Crikey! *punches my face*
Nothing is more logical than a punch to the face. I now use that argument technique everywhere I go. My boss once told me that if I complain about my job so much, I shouldn’t work here. I promptly punched him in the face and he said I was right.
Croc Raper Steve Irwin took me to hunt crocodiles to be like him, a real man. After severe facial lacerations and losing a third of my blood, I told him it was impossible in the same gay way Luke Skywalker said to Yoda that it was impossible to lift an X-Wing fighter. Unlike that green turd, Steve Irwin not only proved me wrong, he also kicked my ass. Steve called me a bitch, hit me, and grabbed a croc by its nuts until it cried all in one motion.
Pee bitch. Pee.
Then he gave a croc a shit bukake and the croc just took it because that’s what crocs do in the presence of a real man. I learned that I need to always be right. And if I’m not right, someone’s ass gets kicked.
Adult
There are reports that Steve Irwin died from a gay ass sting ray. They are covering up the truth: Steve Irwin saved my life. Here is the real story:
I was with dad in the sea because I was afraid of water. He was like, “Patrick N, Crikey, you gotta stop bein’ a pussy. It’s just fucking water.” He threw my ass in the water. I was pleading that I didn’t know how to swim but dad was like, “Fuck you, real men learn how to do shit on the spot.” I guess he was right because only four people died when he put me in a car with a stick shift and I had to learn that shit on the spot. After learning to drive stick on the spot (and killing people), I felt like a man’s man. Anyway, I was starting to dog paddle to survive and he kicked my face because only pussies dog paddle. Sharks started to attack me and Irwin waited until I fought off three of the four sharks (and no less he insisted) before jumping in to try to save me.
Life lessons are hard. Be a man and take it.
He realized there were 16 sharks, fought them off, and while he was taking four of them at the same time, a pussy ass sting ray got a cheap shot in because Steve Irwin ate his entire family, and to the sting ray’s credit, it’s pretty hard to forget that shit.
Remember the life lessons my real dad Steve Irwin taught me:
1) Solve your problems with violence
2) Punch to the face is the best logic
3) Learn shit on the fly; practice and reading manuals are for pussies
Raise yourself or your kids by these rules and you will become a man’s man.