How to be a Secret Agent like Patrick N
There are times when you sit behind your desk after getting yelled at by your boss for forgetting some shit no one cares about and think, and wish you were one of those people that would just wake up and find out you were some sleeper secret agent with amazing skills designed to kill people who threaten America. Then there are others like me who actually are these people.
In order to be a secret agent like me, there are three steps:
Step 1: Lose your memory
In order to be a sleeper agent, you actually have to be asleep i.e. forget shit. How else are you going to wake up in the middle of the night and have no reason why you have a boner? In order to do this, you can use a varety of methods. You can choke yourself. When you start to blackout, you know you’re almost there. When you wake up, you won’t know why you have all these penises drawn on your face. You can get drunk. Then when you wake up the next morning and your asshole hurts, you’ll know you’ve lost your memory.
Step 2: Pretend to just want to be normal
I don’t know how many times I have to tell everyone that I just want to be normal. Everyone walks up to me and is like, “PATRICK N? MAN. YOU FAMOUS.” It’s pretty annoying. I just want to be normal. The more times you tell people you want to be normal, the more suspicious everyone gets that there is more to you than meets the eye. Here is a conversation I had at work that shows this technique in action:
Worker: Sup, Patrick.
Me: Nothing much. I just wish I was normal.
Worker: Having sex with my dog still?
See, he’s not sure what’s going on. Little does he know I’m a secret agent getting all the tail.
Step 3: Have a bad ass line to say
All spies have a cool line to say. Jason Bourne always says ironic shit like, “I doubt you’re in your office because if you were, we’d be having this conversation face-to-face.” OOOOOooo. Feel that chill you have down your spine? That’s how you know it’s bad ass. Your bad ass line depends on what kind of person you are. Here are some lines you can use depends on the kind of person you are just before you cap someone:
Emo: Don’t worry; I’ll be joining you real soon. Because I cut myself, see.
Jock: Final score: me 1, you done.
Nerd: Calculate the odds on dodging this bullet and divide it by my dick in your mouth.
Once you have your line, pop a cap on a bitch. Congratulations, spy!