How to critic things like Patrick N
Some people wonder how I’m so knowledgeable in everything. While you can never know as much as I do, you can pretend to know as much as me by critiquing thing the way I do. It’s really easy to seem important when you critique something. You may not be good at anything, but you can tell if it sucks or not. Yeah, you never made it past the softball leagues, but you can go off on how Mark McGuire is a scumbag for using HGH, and you come off looking like a pro. Never became that actor you always wanted to? You can always write about how bad the actor was and look like you’re a thespian. Suck at life? Critique it instead.
Technique 1: When you don’t understand it, say it’s “gay”
Sometimes you might not understand a complicated concept. You’re trying to learn how to swing a golf club correctly, but it’s too hard to develop all the little muscles to the correct muscle memory. The director of a movie has a bunch of high-level details or multi-level meanings in the story, but you just don’t get it. That’s cool; just say it’s “gay.” You will not believe how easy it is to dismiss something just by saying it’s gay. This works anywhere you need to critique something, from social life to workplace.
Example 1
Friend: What do you think about Tiger Woods’s new swing?
You: It’s pretty gay.
Example 2
Boss: What do you think about (your rival’s) proposal?
You: With no disrespect to (your rival), his proposal is pretty gay.
Boss: You’re right! You get the job.
Technique 2: It’s overrated
Sometimes, someone you’re arguing with knows more about a topic than you do. This is a losing battle in maintaining your superiority (which is the whole point in critiquing like me). When a situation occurs where someone knows more that you about something, say that the topic is “overrated.” This gives the impression that the topic is not important making your opponent feel bad and look stupid and everyone moves on. Then you can go to a topic you know about like how you banged his mom or something.
Example 1
Friend: You just don’t understand the effects of global warming on the environment.
You: Global warming is overrated.
Friend: Fuck.
Example 2
Boss: It seems that (your rival’s) point about our advertising being weak is important to our stocks.
You: The effects of advertising are overrated. The more important factor is that he’s banging your daughter.
Boss: WHAT?! I’M FIRING THAT FUCK. YOU’RE PROMOTED.
Technique 3: Be angry
A lot of times, a cool head shows signs of weakness. When you critique something, be sure to be angry. Your audience may not understand what you’re saying, but you have to be angry about SOMETHING so they’ll be angry with you like a bunch of sheeple.
Example 1
Friend: What do you think about the new X-Men movie?
You: THATFUCKINGBULLSHITFUCK. I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW THEY USED WOLVERINE.
Friend: I know, right?
Example 2
Boss: What do you think about (your rival’s) proposal?
You: THATFUCKINGBULLSHITFUCK. I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW HE PROPOSED (whatever he proposed).
Boss: It was quite preposterous, wasn’t it?
Follow my techniques on critiquing things and you will be on your way to looking as smart as I am.