I’m at this dude’s house that kept pausing the fights. I hope my memory holds.

Welterweight bout: Diego Sanchez vs. John Hathaway
Diego is legit crazy. I know that because I know a guy who used to train with him at Greg Jackson before Greg Jackson was famously awesome. Unfortunately, he’s about as smart as his coaches are. So when he left Jackson, he left the smartest coaching staff in MMA. I’ve never heard of John Hathaway, but 13-0 means something, especially if 3 of those wins are from the UFC. Diego tries the same takedown strategy as his last fight with BJ. Hathaway stuffs the shit out of him every time and proceeds to punch the shit out of Diego. Everyone at the party thought he was a goner, but I told them if BJ Penn can’t knock him out, no one can. Diego has some of the best knockout recovery ever, but that’s not good if that’s a skill that is utilized every fight like Diego. Hathaway neutralizes everything Diego does, which includes takedowns and stale stand up and gets the easy decision. One judge gave a 10-8, which I’m like HUHZ but MMA judges are retarded. This is important in the next fight. *

Light Heavyweight bout: Antônio Rogério Nogueira vs. Jason Brilz
Nogueria keeps crying that instead of fighting a stand up guy, he’s fighting a wrestler. Lil Nog gets beat up and taken down at least twice per round and wins a split decision. Lil Nog had a darce attempt, but besides that, Brilz just stands up whenever he’s in turtle, side control, or guard. Well, there WAS a crucifix that any blue belt could have held, but Brillz somehow just stands up from that too. One thing that kept working was the deep half guard sweep that’s probably new to MMA but has been an “in” thing in BJJ for quite some time. I hate it, prefering the lockdown, but it worked here. Brilz doesn’t even complain because the crowd knows what’s up. Joe Rogan’s hilarious. He interviews Lil Nog, “The crowd is saying bullshit. Were you worried about losing this fight in the decision?” Rogan’s so great for the sport. *

Heavyweight bout: Todd Duffee vs. Mike Russow
Todd Duffee is buff and Russow has a tire around his waist. Rogan reminds everyone that buff guys gas. Duffee punches the shit out of Russow, but Russow trained at Homer Simpson Top Team and takes every punch like a man until Duffee’s arms gas. Duffee is still winning this entire fight up until the mid 3rd round with Russow supplying no offense. Then, out of no where, Russow grazes Duffee’s ear and he falls like a sack of shit. Rogan orgasms that this was the greatest come-from-behind KO ever. This would actually matter if these guys were exciting fighters. LAME

Middleweight bout: Michael Bisping vs. Dan Miller
The UFC has a boner for Bisping, but I really think he sucks. Dan Miller is a wrestler and a BJJ black belt, so of course he stands the whole fucking fight until the last minute of the last round. I just don’t understand the Demian Maia mentality. You’re awesome at grappling and submission, so you stand up and box. In the beginning of the fight during the stand off, Bisping puts his forehead in Miller’s face, which was pretty gay. Bisping gains confidence as dumbass Miller trades punches and gets tags from Bisping’s weightless punches and wins every round. Around the middle of the 3rd round Bisping’s weak chin almost costs him again, but Miller sucks. Miller does one take down, but he’s so tired that Bisping just gets up. Stupid, disappointing fight. I want to see grapplers take down and grapple. LAME

Light Heavyweight bout: Quinton Jackson vs. Rashad Evans
I actually got goosebumps and butterflies for this fight. Rashad does a bit of capoeria in his stand up. Rashad’s pretty fast. His basic strategy is to come in and jab and get out, and when Jackson gets confused enough, Rashad fake attempts a takedown and just holds Rampage on the fence. The crowd boos every minute of this fight until Rampage punches Rashad and Rashad goes lights out for two seconds. Rampage is so gassed from losing 50 lbs to fight this fight that he doesn’t finish. Rashad punches Rampage in turtle and the fight ends. Rashad won, but his style is the modern version of ground and pound when it was boring. Back in the day, Old school ground and pound had wrestlers take down BJJ guys and just do baby punches to win. Boring as fuck to watch, but you can’t deny that the wrestler won. This was REALLY bad for the sport of MMA. As the sport evolved, punches and elbows were thrown more dangerously, and people in the guard discovered the wall walk and the wall ride where you just use the wall to stand up from guard. Now we have Rashad where he pins you on the fence and just baby punches you until Herb Dean separates you. You can’t deny that Rashad won, but this type of fighting is bad for the sport. Much worse than Geijitsu master Lyoto Machida who was just dodging, not running, so that was more entertaining for me. Rampage didn’t look hurt the whole fight. Fuck Rashad. I hope Shogun beats the fucking shit out of him, but it’s a style conflict where Shogun wants to mash and Rashad just wants to hold you on the fence, so Rashad will probably regain the title. LAME

Shitty as FUCK night with boring action leading to boring decisions. Next card with Chuck “Asshole” Liddell and Rich “I Created Geijitsu” Franklin will be a better card.

Here we go again. Just in case you forget, here’s how I rate fights:

Engagement on different levels
You can’t just only stand or only grapple. Great matches have both.

Near finishes
Whether submissions attempts or knockdowns, escapes and recoveries make fights more exciting.

Entertainment
Whether the drama building to the fight or the story being told in the fight, special fights have a special aura around the fight. Consider this the x-factor.

***** Fight of the year candidate
**** Great fight
*** Watchable fight
** Mild fight
* Boring
LAME Just go take a big shit

Middleweight bout: Patrick Côté vs. Alan Belcher
Belcher went with a south paw stance to kick Cote’s right arm hoping that it weakens Cote’s arm enough to take his primary weapon away. Instead, he continually connects with kicks to Cote’s liver, which to me is just as good. Belcher probably won Round 1 just from that. Cote comes back in the 2nd Round, but Belcher busts Triple H’s Pedigree and then rear mounts him to finish with a rear naked choke. You can spike a guy on his head pile driver style, but slamming him on the face is cool. Cote started to cry pile driver, but to no avail. Canadian home town favorite loses. “Hometown” is going to be part of the story a little later in the show. Extra star for the Pedigree. **

Heavyweight bout: Kimbo Slice vs. Matt Mitrione
Kimbo comes in with three slams, almost gets caught in a triangle twice, and the gasses. Kimbo looks really buff, but I think that and the fact that he had to fight through submissions and slamming a dude tired him. Mitrione busts some leg kicks that Kimbo doesn’t block. I don’t really get why pro MMA guys generally don’t know how to guard leg kicks. JUST LIFT YOUR LEG FFS. Kimbo takes one more leg kick and has the face of a quitter. Mitrione tries to finish be he SUCKSSSSSSSSSS. Mitrione mounts Kimbo and throws weak ass punches and the ref stops the fight from patheticness. Dana gave Kimbo a patsy and he gassed out. I still think Kimbo will draw money, but I guess you can only give someone so many chances. Kimbo would be released after this show. Star only because the slams were cool. *

Lightweight bout: Sam Stout vs. Jeremy Stephens
Sam Stout is the home favorite. He busts his Homer Simpson defense taking punch after punch and kick after kick. Jeremy Stephens throws a couple spinning back fists for fun but one barely hits Stout and the other misses completely. Stout loses by split, but it was fun because they kept punching. **

Welterweight bout: Josh Koscheck vs. Paul Daley
Awesomest fight of the night. Daley calls Koscheck a dick like Serra did to Hughes, except Hughes deserved it. Daley also calls Koscheck a big pussy. OOOOooooo. The ref asks them to touch gloves and before the ref can finish his sentence of “Okay, touch gloves and..oh no?” Koscheck just turns and walks back to his corner. It’s on. Koscheck’s basic strategy is to let Daley feel comfortable punching and then fence-a-dense Daley into a take down. Koscheck’s takedown is NICE. In the interview after, he claims he watched GSP’s fight with Dan Hardy (who is Daley’s fight camp mate) “about 20 times” to learn how to take Daley down. Hilarious moment when Daley gets up from being clinched on the ground for a long time and tries to knee Daley while Josh is still on his knees and Josh grabs his face like a train hit it. Replays show the knee barely grazed him. Hilarious. At the end of the fight, Koscheck is on top of Daley for the millionth time and Daley say something about Koscheck needing to be a man and fight on their feet or something. Koscheck decides to talk some mad shit for the last minute while laying on top of him. (Rashad Evans asked Koscheck later if he said something about Daley’s mom, and Koscheck replied, “It might have been a little worse.”) After the fight ends, Daley pretends to want to congratulate Koscheck so the ref gets out of the way and then punches Koscheck in the right eye, bruising it in the process. Dana White says in the post interview that Daley “will never fight in the UFC again.” Koscheck is interviewed later saying he did “egg him on” and that he hopes the UFC gives him another chance. He looks genuinely remorseful hearing that Daley was released. I’m sorry, but if you call a guy a big pussy and then sucker punch him. That makes you the biggest pussy. Joe Rogan says Daley should be in jail for assault. Being fired is probably worse. He was an up and comer, and now he went from almost title shot to being regulated to Strikeforce. ****

Light Heavyweight Championship bout: Lyoto Machida (c) vs. Mauricio Rua
My hero, Machida, decides to fight outside his style and be super aggressive and takedown Rua. Not a bad strategy, but he went to the well once too often, gets caught with a glancing punch to the top of the head to go down. Then he’s mounted and bearhugs Rua while being mounted which is one of the biggest no-nos in BJJ that I wonder if he gets his BJJ black belt revoked. Machida gets what’s coming to him as he takes a bunch of punchs while bearhugging in the mount and Rua KOs in the first round. Two fights later, the Machida Era ends. He fought out of his regular style both fights and got smoked. Anderson Silva no can avenge Machida if he can get on Dana’s good side again. *

Overall, okay card. The Koscheck/Daley fight was just awesome. Two guys who really hated each other. Then one guy was still butthurt and threw in another punch after the fight while a guy’s guard was down. First time ever in the UFC. That alone might be worth the PPV. Dana did the right thing in releasing Daley. Too bad about Kimbo though. I understand why he would be released, that he serves no purpose as a belt contender, but people still want to see him fight. He does seem legit in that he can take down and punches really hard. honestly I thought he looked good until he gassed, and you can work on cardio. But oh well. Strikeforce will be getting two guys that will bring money to them.

I’ve been watching the UFC so much that I’ve decided to write star ratings on them. Here is what I base the star system on:

Engagement on different levels
You can’t just only stand or only grapple. Great matches have both.

Near finishes
Whether submissions attempts or knockdowns, escapes and recoveries make fights more exciting.

Entertainment
Whether the drama building to the fight or the story being told in the fight, special fights have a special aura around the fight. Consider this the x-factor.

***** Fight of the year candidate
**** Great fight
*** Watchable fight
** Mild fight
* Boring
LAME Just go take a big shit

Prelim Card

Light Heavyweight bout: Alexander Gustafsson vs. Phil Davis
This looked like Fred Ettish vs. the big ass dude. Phil Davis looked confident and impressive, but Joe Rogan seemed to be really impressed with Gustafsson’s takedown defense. I guess preventing your opponent from taking you down as you take a bunch of punches is impressive to some. Nice anaconda choke with the great fortune of having the fence to walk on to tighten the choke. **

Main Card

Middleweight bout: Kendall Grove vs. Mark Muñoz
Kendall Grove was TUF 3 winner and is pretty good. He was dominating Munoz, but gave up position for an armbar which is a big nono in most BJJ dojos. After that, Munoz just held Grove’s feet and dropped bombs. Grove takes them and takes them until he curls into a ball and the ref stops the fight. I didn’t really notice that Grove was in danger, but it was a good stop. ***

Lightweight bout: Terry Etim vs. Rafael dos Anjos
They keep hyping Etim as the next big thing. Etim tries to gullotine a black belt in BJJ from the start. Most bjj practitioners know just to wait until the dude gasses his arms out then escape. Anjos does, and passes Etim’s guard easily. Anjos completely dominates Etim on the ground, gets side control, knees the guy’s ribs/back, gets warned by this ref I’ve never seen before for “kneeing the spine” which Anjos doesn’t understand because he speaks fucking Portuguese, knees some more and the ref stands them up and Anjos is confused as to why. I was pretty pissed. Didn’t matter though because Anjos’s BJJ is really good and gets side control, knee on belly, spiderweb, pushes the defending arm and then covers that arm so he couldn’t defend again and finishes with the armbar in a 45 degree angle like you should. Just awesome BJJ. ***

Welterweight bout: Matt Hughes vs. Renzo Gracie
I fucking hate Matt Hughes, but he’s acting all humble so it’s even more annoying. Ground and pound vs the family that created the guard game. So of course the fight is stand up the whole time with Renzo getting leg kicked to where he has no power in his punch and just covers up. There was this weird friendly shit that annoys me. It was like a sparring match. Hughes doesn’t even follow up when he starts punching Renzo with any force. I don’t know how anyone goes into an MMA ring and doesn’t know how to defend a leg kick. LAME

Lightweight Championship bout: B.J. Penn (c) vs. Frankie Edgar
Edgar has awesome MMA movement. Where boxing prides on head movement, Edgar can mix head movement with shoot feints like a complete fighter should. BJ’s corner tells him to do a takedown, which is smart because it’ll make Edgar think low, but BJ ignores them like always and rightly loses by decision. BJ just gave up, wanting to win his way or no way kind of like MAchida did in Machida/Shogun I. Boring fight, but Edgar was trying to win a title. * Note: Compustat has BJ Penn winning as they didn’t count the takedown because Edgar didn’t get an advantageous position after the takedown.

Middleweight Championship bout: Anderson Silva (c) vs. Demian Maia
Hilarious fight. Silva comes out doing OH NOEZ dances, lunges, capoeira, British old school boxing stances, and daring Maia to punch and shoot on him. It came off mean because Maia is a cool guy, but it was amazing. At the end of the second round, his corner tells Silva to knock that shit off and Silva loses his spirit and just runs for the rest of the fight. At one point, Silva hides behind the ref as Maia gets up from being on the ground and the ref has to push him. Dana gives the belt to Silva’s coach in the 4th round and just LEAVES. Silva wins, but they don’t announce the scorecard and the ref was like “whatever” about raising Silva’s hand. Dana’s taking a beating on Twitter and during press conferences looks REALLY mad and REALLY depressed. Silva gets the record for the most successful title defenses at 6 but everyone is superbutthurt about the night. I thought it was entertaining and better than anything Muhammad Ali did. ESPN and the other “analysts” will talk a bunch of shit saying MMA is a disgrace again and that we can keep MMA and they’ll stick with boxing. Right. And you keep your snail mail and I’ll go ahead and use email you archaic fucks. I digress. Hilarious fight but Dana was pissed and so was the crowd. No sense of humor. ***** for the first 2 rounds. LAME for the last three so I’ll round it to ***

Really shitty night.

Some of you know I make a youtube series, and it is a big hit without even me trying. Now I pass this knowledge of how to make a bad ass youtube show like I did.

Use clips already posted

Everyone knows that you should just repost videos with the biggest hits. Remember the Transit Bus beatdown video by an old man on some “thug”? All I did was add a new intro and ending with credits having my name on it and I got a million hits. When you make your own youtube show, find the clips that are the most popular and put your own remix of it. You can even add subtitle commentary or cut in with your own commentary. It doesn’t even have to be good like mine always is.

Post videos that people tend to search for

People are retarded and only search for specific things. Make sure your video is one of these categories:

1) Retro video games

2) Animals doing stupid shit

3) People getting pranked

If you put any of these three things, you automatically get half a million hits within the week. Don’t ask me why someone would type in “puppy dressed as a cat skating and eating shit” in the search engine, but people do. And a lot of people do.

They also like watching other people play old video games. This tells you that your audience is 1) old people that couldn’t beat the game when it first came out or 2) losers. Thus, you need to make your videos match your audience.

I can understand why people wanting to see others get pranked. Everyone wants to be the next Jackass. What they don’t realize is that they’re already jackasses for drawing on their friends’ faces when they’re sleeping. Not cool. Unless I’m the one doing it.

Now that I gave you my best youtube show secrets, go out there and be famous!

Patrick N likes movies. But sometimes, people like you don’t know how to enjoy them properly. Don’t worry, I’ve had lots of practice. I’ll break it down easily for you, pussy.

Read the spoilers on Wikipedia

Have you ever sat and watched a movie for three hours and wasted your time because you didn’t know that nothing happens at the end of the movie? Yeah, that was called Lord of the Rings 1, 2, and 3. Don’t go into a movie not knowing what’s going to happen. Some loser who goes to a midnight showing will write the spoilers for you. Just wait until the next morning like a normal person and read the spoilers. Now you’ll know if the movie sucks or not. You may ruin surprise endings, but really, when was the last time a surprise ending was satisfying? Fuck M. Night.

Tell good parts before they happen

Usually you’ll go with a friend. That works because you can let him know when to expect a good part because you already know. Your friend and the rest of the audience may act like that’s annoying, but they’re just trying to be cool. Make sure to say something like, “Oh watch this part,” or, “Oh this part is funny.” You can also throw him off by pretending to wince, making your friend wince, and then he misses a good part. That’s what the fucker gets for being a biter.

Say to wait for end of credits

There are many people that aren’t given credit for a movie except the ending credits. But pompous assholes like your friend will walk out as the credits roll. Do these unsung heroes justice by telling your friend loudly, oh there’s this cool part at the end of the credits, watch. By the end of the movie, you’ll have built so much credibility by revealing