On the Offense: Year End Awards

Kobe and Malone are fighting. This is similar to the drama earlier this year—–bzzzzzzzzzttttt…

[tuning noise]

Patrick: Is this on? Oh shit! We’re on? *ahem* This is Patrick, writer for the weekly sports article from the Inside Pulse, “On the Offense.” While this year isn’t over, I’ve decided to set the year end awards early because I feel like it.

Jim Gray: What is this awards show about?

Patrick: The top ten most significant sports events in North America for 2004. Along side that, there are four separate awards given:

The Cory Laflin/Tal Aulbrook trophy. This award goes to the funniest sports news event for the year.

The Pat Tillman medal. This award goes to the most distinguished sports event for the year.

The Ex-girlfriend. This award goes to the saddest or more disturbing sports news event for the year.

And finally, the OMG trophy. This goes to the number one most significant sports event for 2004.

Jim Gray: Who determines who wins all these awards?

Patrick: An expert panel of three judges. Myself. Patrick’s mom’s son. And Patrick’s future daughter’s father.

Jim Gray: What in the fuck…

Patrick: And now, rated ‘R’ for swearing and violence, we now present… the On the Offense Year End Awards. Your host is Chris… ROCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!11111

Chris Rock: SUP MOTHERFUCKERS.

[Crowd cheers]

Chris Rock: SHIIIIIIT. IT’S ON NOW. First, the number 10 sports event for the year and the winner of the Cory Laflin/Tal Aulbrook trophy:

10. The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) fails once again

Chris Rock: These motherfuckers fucked up the National Championship again?

[woman races to Rock to whisper something in his ear]

THOSE WUSSES. No one from the BCS is here to claim their award because no one wants to own up to the problems of the BCS. So here is a video of how the BCS fucked up.

[Video on screen]

Auburn fan: UNDEFEATED IN THE HARDEST CONFERENCE AND NOT EVEN A TASTE OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Texas fan: I would complain, but I already did and now I got a BCS bowl for doing nothing.

Cal fan: Obviously we are disappointed. But the system is set up and we agreed to it so… so… so… MOTHERFUCK YOU BCS.

Pittburgh fan: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!1111111

Va Tech fan: YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!111111111

Utah fan: YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

Louisville fan: …

[back to Chris Rock]

Chris Rock: Boy did THEY fuck up!

The number 9 significant sports event for the year is…

9. BALCO Scandal involving Barry Bonds

[Barry Bonds goes up to the podium]

Bonds: I would like to thank all the media I make fun of, BALCO for hooking me up with the ‘roids, and my fans that still like me even though I treat everyone like shit. They had faith in me, including the Home Run Leader, Hank Aaron, and I was able to disappoint them effectively.

Chris Rock: I knew something was up with you.

Bonds: You knew shit.

Chris Rock: I knew you’re a cheating loser. Get off my fucking stage.

And noooowwwwwwwww… the number 8 most significant sports event for 2004:

8. Yankee Stadium requiring riot police to sit near the baselines during the American League Championship

Chris Rock: Oh, we remember that day! It was like being at a Euro soccer game! And here to accept the award is Alex Rodriguez.

Rodriguez: Hey, guys. Thank you, selection committee, for considering my contribution to this year’s failed team. I would like to thank the guy whose arm I chopped to knock the ball out of his hand and allow me to cry about. I think it was my cheating and crying about it that made the best contribution to this award.

Chris Rock (interviewing Patrick): Why did the selection committee pick this as a significant event, Patrick?

Patrick: We felt this was the precursor to a trend in sports: violence during sporting events in North America. Often, players are violent in their private lives but professional during a game, unless we’re talking about hockey. But with a new attitude created by free agency and young players being drafted, players have become more openly violent towards each other and towards the fans.

This event, we feel, was the start of the violent trend when Yankee fans became upset that the Red Sox started to mount a comeback in the series. It gave the feeling of a Euro soccer riot that was unheard of in America until today.

Chris Rock: Thanks, bitch. Now the next award is a topic that is rarely spoken of in “On the Offense.” The winner for the number 7 most significant North American sports event is…

7. Kurt Busch wins the first Nextel Chase for the Cup Championship under the new system

Busch: SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!1111

I would like to congratulate the new system for being a success. I would also like to thank Dale Earnhardt Jr. for saying, “It don’t mean shit right now,” promptly losing 25 points. HAHAHAHHA I WON BY 8 POINTS. I CAN SAY SHIT NOW BECAUSE SHIT IS OVER.

SHIT.

I’M THE SHIT.

YOU ARE SUCH A DUMBSHIT, Jr.

SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111

Chris Rock: What in the fuck?

The winner of the number 6 most significant sports event in North America, 2004:

6. The NHL Lockout ends (pretty much) the 2004-2005 season

Chris Rock: Here to accept the award is the NHLPA negotiator and the Owners’ negotiator.

Mr. NHLPA: The owners take full credit for this award.

Owners’: Dude, bullshit. How about giving something we can work with. We are bankrupt.

NHLPA: YEAH OOOKAY. WHERE YOU HIDING THE MONEY?

Hockey Fans: /cares

Owners’: YOU SUCK. NEGOTIATE THAT.

NHLPA: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Chris Rock: FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!1111111111

(NHLPA and Owners’ scuffle and are escorted off)

Hockey Fans: /cares

Chris Rock: At least there is an understanding and genuine care for the fans by the NHL. Hope that if they ever reconcile that they do what baseball did and sell tickets for cheaper. Cheap tickets for the NHL, of course, cost about a left finger.

The winner for number 5 is…

5. The Red Sox finally win the World Series

All of Boston: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!111
New York: =|

St. Louis: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chris Rock: The winner for the number 4 most significant sports event for 2004 is…

4. Kobe, Shaq, and Phil Jackson are unable to reconcile and split

Kobe: I would like to thank everyone on my team for giving me a 100% effort.

Shaq: FUCK YOU NARC.

Kobe: I’m sorry you are mad. I’m not mad… that you’re fat.

Phil: Now, now, Kobe.

Kobe: What?

Phil: I hate you.

Shaq: I’ll see you Christmas when we embarrass you in LA. Then I’m going to write a rap about it. Check it:

SHAAAAAAAAAAQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ

When an ingrate takes over a team
Drop it like it’s hot
Drop it like it’s hot
Drop it like it’s hot

Chris Rock: Shit, they’re STILL fighting?

The winner for the number three event is also the winner for the Ex-girlfriend award.

Number 3…

And the Ex-girlfriend…

Goes to…

3. Palace Riot in the Pacers vs. Pistons game

Ron Artest: I would like to say that I got suspended for the reason of the season on purpose because I need the rest for promoting my record.

My record’s hot; please pick it up.

I’m not getting paid for the rest of the season anyway.

Ben Wallace: I would like to thank Palace security for not protecting Pacer players and allowing the situation to escalate and get a bunch of Pacers suspended. I would also like to thank myself for overreacting for someone pushing my back and people somehow seeing it as a shot to my head.

Larry Brown (holding up the Ex-girlfriend trophy): I would like to say that we really earned this award and would like to thank the committee for recognizing my accomplishments. After the high of beating the Lakers for the NBA World Championship, I embarrassed everyone by having an all-star team and getting schooled, and then I blamed the players, and then NBA president David Stern said I’m an idiot for saying that. I’m glad I’m able to overshadow all of that with this great accomplishment.

[A cup of ice flies from the crowd right into Brown’s face followed by a “VIVA ARGENTINA BITCHES” scream]

Larry Brown: WHO THREW THAT?

Chris Rock: OH SHIT. SOMEONE STOP LARRY BROWN. HE’S GOING INTO THE AUDIENCE TO THROW DOWN.

[Brown grabs someone from the audience]

Brown (punching after every letter): U! S! A! U! S! A! U! S! A!

Chris Rock: Someone get that guy some Robitussin!

The winner of the number 2 most significant sports event is also the winner of the Pat Tillman award. The winner is…

2. Pat Tillman dies in service

[Rest in peace, Pat. Thank you for everything you gave up to defend our freedoms.]

Chris Rock: And the number 1 most significant event in North American sports for 2004 and the winner of the OMG award goes to…

First! A commercial break.

Mark Urciuolo : Mark calls Todd Pinkston a pussy. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Cory Laflin: His article, of course, comes tomorrow, but his current one covers college hoops. READ THE HYPE.

Oli Porter: Speaking of hype, Oli talks about the much hyped Arsenal v. Chelsea game that ended in a tie. Read his recap because it shows why the game was so hyped. Arsenal and Chelsea are big name teams. Don’t know why? Ask him!

Eugene Tierney: We have a new writer at IP sports. His name is Eugene and he rides the pine of the world of baseball and fantasy sports info.

Tal Aulbrook: “Congrats to the London Knights for breaking the CHL record for most consecutive games without a loss at 30!!! That is front page news in Canada!! If that is not a sign for the NHL to happen, I don’t know what is!!!!”

=(

BACK TO THE AWARDS SHOW!

Chris Rock: The winner of the OMG award and the Number 1 significant sports event in North America for 2004 goes to…

1. Red Sox come back from 3 games down against the Yankees in the American League Pennant game to win

Red Sox: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

Yankees: =|

Chris Rock: How does it feel to get a hat trick of awards in a column that has talked a lot of shit on Boston lately?

Curt Schilling: Well we’re very happy, of course. Patrick also was rooting for us and mentioned that in his previous columns but didn’t make a big deal about it. Besides, I think he hates the Patriots, not all of Boston.

Chris Rock: How do you feel about Curt Schilling’s comments, Patrick?

Patrick: Actually, I hate all of Boston. Except some of the women. The Boston accent on a cute girl rocks.

Chris Rock: How come the committee chose three Red Sox events if you guys obviously do not like anything from Boston.

Patrick: Even though we hate Boston’s guts, we were being like all sports analysts and freely contradict ourselves at anytime while criticizing players when they do the same.

Chris Rock: THE FUCK?

Patrick: Besides, when I saw this happen, I ran around the room like an idiot like my team was the Red Sox and I won the world title. This feat, the Sox coming back after being 0-3 with one out to go from losing the series, was pretty much understood as impossible odds. No one has ever won four games in a row after being down 3 in baseball, but the Red Sox decided that nothing would stop them. Not a curse, not the odds, not even Yankee voodoo. Congratulations to the Red Sox for a great year.

Chris Rock: THAT’S IT FOLKS. WE’RE OUTTA HERE.

BITCH.

-Patrick

Yankees: =|

1. Red Sox come back from 3 games down against the Yankees in the American League Pennant game to win

2. Pat Tillman dies in service

3. Palace Riot in the Pacers vs. Pistons game

4. Kobe, Shaq, and Phil Jackson are unable to reconcile and split

5. The Red Sox finally win the World Series

6. The NHL Lockout ends (pretty much) the 2004-2005 season

7. Kurt Busch wins the first Nextel Chase for the Cup Championship under the new system

8. Yankee Stadium requiring riot police to sit near the baselines during the American League Championship

9. BALCO Scandal involving Barry Bonds

10. The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) fails once again