On the Offense: Year End Awards 2005

Announcer: A breaking story about Elmo! Here he is to make an announcement!

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Lois: It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

Peter: But, where are those good ol’ fashion values …

Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, Brian, and Stewie: … on which we used to rely?

Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, Brian, and Stewie: Lucky there’s a Family Guy!

Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, Brian, and Stewie: Lucky there’s a man who, positively can do all the thing that make us …

Stewie: …Laugh and cry!

Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, Brian, and Stewie: He’s a Family Guuuuuuuuuuuuy!

Brian: And here is the family guy himself…the writer of “On the Offense” and co-host and producer of Inside Pulse Sports Radio, Patrick N!

Patrick N: Yo! Welcome everyone to the second annual On the Offense Year End Awards. Your hosts are Brian and Stewie Griffin!

Stewie: This is more awkward than the time I told Patrick that his balls weren’t actually as big as the moon.

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Patrick N: Did you read my new article?

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Patrick N: Last year the awards were named after different IP Sports writers. Here are the awards for this year:

The Nicky P Award is given to the funniest news item (last year’s title: Cory Laflin/Tal Aulbrook Trophy).

The Steve Price Award is given to the most distinguished sports event (last year’s title: The Pat Tillman Medal).

The Dave Savior Award is given to the saddest or most disturbing news items (last year’s title: The Ex-Girlfriend).

Back to your hosts, Stewie and Brian.

Stewie: I think you need to wake me up.

Brian: Why’s that?

Stewie: Because the number ten award is coming.

Brian: And the number ten top news item in North America: the White Sox win the World Series!

10. White Sox win World Series

A White Sox player that no one knows: Hey guys. It’s great to see that we got the recognition we deserve. We have someone who was not able to make it here to accept the award with us.

Ratings: Sorry we couldn’t make it to the awards show or the World Series.

Brian: Well, this isn’t as boring as when I was waiting for Peter to laugh at my fat joke.
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Brian: You know, they say that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Stewie: The person who said that had the French as friends, which brings us to the next winner. The number nine sports item is Lance Armstrong being accused of doing steroids for the millionth time.

9. Lance Armstrong accused of steroids

Brian: Here is the Tour de France president.

Tour de France President: The urine samples were traced to Armstrong. Even though the all the pee was used up, and the sample was from 1999, and even though Lance was tested three times more than any athlete, this finding puts all of Armstrong’s wins in extreme doubt.

French Logic: I do not exist.

Brian: It’s good to see the Tour Presdient has imaginary friends.

Stewie: Hey Brian, French Logic just called you an alcoholic.

[both laugh]

Brian: Hahaha, hey Stewie, French Logic just called you a homo.

[both laugh more hysterically]

Stewie: What the deuce?

Brian: What?

Stewie: Ice Hockey is back?

8. NHL comes back

NHL Players Representative: We pretty much sacrificed everything to play again.

NHL Owners Representative: You know how I know you’re gay? You think you sacrificed something and cried like a bitch about it.

NHL Player Rep: You know how I know you’re gay?

NHL Owner Rep: How?

NHL Player Rep: You waxed your anus.

NHL Owner Rep: You know how I know you’re gay?

NHL Player Rep: How?

NHL Owner Rep: You waxed my anus.

Brian: Speaking of getting buttfucked, the winner of the Steve Price Award goes to the number seven sports item, Lance Armstrong wins his 7th Tour de France!

7. Lance Armstrong wins 7th Tour

Lance Armstrong: My chick, Sheryl Crow, would like to sing something to the Tour de France.

Sheryl Crow: If it makes Lance happy, it can’t be half baaaaaaaad…

Brian: The next award goes to the NCAA.

6. Native American names/mascots banned from NCAA

Florida State University: Thank you for not banning our mascot. We knew a public blowjob would do the job.

Brian: Well, this isn’t as bad as when I was banned from Bill Gates’s house.
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Stewie: Speaking of shit, here comes the number five news item for 2005. Rafael Palmerio got caught for doing steroids after he claimed all his life that he has never done steroids. What a buffoon.

5. Palmerio caught doing steroids

Palmerio: It was injected in me. I thought he was injecting candy.

Stewie: Wow. He lies worse than the line I tried to give to impress Angelina Jolie.
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Brian: The number four news item for 2005 gets the Dave Savior Award. Hurricane Katrina leaves a bunch of sports teams without a home.

4. Katrina strands New Orleans teams

Brian: Can we have a list of teams that got screwed?

Saints: We got screwed all year.

LSU: Actually, we’re alright.

Hornets: Yeah, we’re actually alright too.

Saints: Well…fuck.

Stewie: This is weirder than when I farted for the first time.
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Stewie: What an embarrassing feeling.

Brian: What’s more embarrassing is everyone’s reaction to the next sports item and the winner of the Nicky P Award.

3. Jose Canseco’s book sparks steroids talk

Brian: How is this funny?

Stewie: Because as people complained about Jose Canseco narcing on everyone, he also was the indirect cause of MLB cracking down on steroids and got Canseco a bunch of money. He’s laughing his way all the way to the bank.

And speaking of a joke, the next sports item that was talked a lot about on Inside Pulse Radio is also the number two sports item.

2. ESPN East Coast bias

Eric S: There is an East Coast bias. Here are 100 entries of evidence.

Patrick N: Wasn’t there a West Coast bias when the Lakers had Kobe and Shaq?

Steve Price: I like the Red Sox, so I see no bias.

Patrick N: I disregard obvious evidence for something I believe in. I also believe in Xenu.

Brian: You guys argue like bitches.

Eric S, Patrick N, and Steve Price: Fuck you, Snoopy.

Brian: Oh right. I won’t judge you guys. Give me your award. I’ll put it in your purses next to your tampons.

Stewie: The number one news item for 2005 is also a pansy of a topic.

Brian: Oh, right. You must be talking about…

1. T.O. vs. Eagles Organization

Brian: Patrick, why did you talk about this in your article and in the radio show so much?

Patrick N: Well it’s obvious, dog. Not since Kobe and Shaq was a conflict of personalities more interesting than T.O. and the Eagles Organization.

Stewie: You sure it wasn’t the fact that you are a T.O. tool.

Patrick N: What? I am not a T.O. tool.

Brian: I knew you would be in denial about having a Terrell Owens bias, so I had Bill Lumbergh come over to explain it to you.

Bill Lumbergh: I’m going to go ahead and ask you to admit you’re a T.O. tool. Yeah…and if you could go ahead and admit you don’t have big balls too, that would be great.

Patrick N: Suck my what?

Stewie: And with that, from everyone here at IP Sports, thanks for reading this column for a whole year.

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Announcer: Now back to the important announcement from Elmo.

Recap:

10. White Sox win the World Series
9. Armstrong accused of steroid use
8. NHL returns
7. Armstrong wins 7th Tour de France
6. NCAA ban Native American mascots and logos
5. Palmerio caught doing steroids
4. Hurricane Katrina devastates New Orleans
3. Jose Canseco’s book sparks steroids controversy
2. ESPN East Coast bias
1. Terrell Owens vs. the Philadelphia Eagles

Runners up: NBA age limit; Tony Dungy’s son dying